camping? no thank you!

I am not a camper.  I have never been a camper.  I will never be a camper.   I am not even especially “outdoorsy”.  I seem to attract all bugs within a 10 mile radius.  I have decided I am particularly tasty  to mosquitoes and any other insect that bites.  I have also decided that I feel quite certain the Lord did not send me here during the pioneer era for a reason.   Initially I thought that reason was His great love for me…..but my family has corrected me and informs me that it is His great love for the pioneers.  Apparently my family is under the impression that I could possibly, occasionally, softly and in an understated manner complain or fuss just a wee bit about conditions on the trail.  Whatever.    Haha

Here’s a little summary of my last camping experience.   I will admit I believe I was sent here during the time when there was electricity for a reason!  Although I look homeless at Market when I’m working, I will have to say I am a fan of blow dryers, flat irons, heat, air conditioning, microwaves, refrigerators, hot tubs, and all things electrical that make life easier.  So I really prefer NOT to do the “roughing it” thing when camping.   I was asked to be a chaperone at a church girls camp retreat.  (whose idea of a joke was this? I know not!)  anywho….the camp was very rustic.   Each cabin had 6 bunks – (a slab of wood hanging somewhere off the wall) – and that was basically it.   Well – I found out there was electricity in one of the buildings on the property – so BAM!  I’m in business!   I show up with an 80 foot extension cord, a multi prong adapter, a mattress, a night light, two oscillating fans, and my blow dryer (just to hit the high points).  While everyone else was digging “latrine” troughs (nightmare! I will hike as long as it takes to get to the actual bathrooms on the property!!), I dug a shallow line to bury my extension cord from the main lodge thing to my cabin.   BINGO!   I am in the cabin plugging in my fans and putting my mattress on my bunk…and i turn around and notice about elevendytwelveteen girls trying to get in the cabin to room with me.    Never one to have much self esteem, I am flattered beyond belief.   Um….until I see all elevendytwelveteen sets of eyes focused on my fans.   Oh well….whatever it takes to have friends!   Last order of business was to find the ice machine on the property (these places always have one somewhere) and fill my cooler so my diet coke is nice and refreshing.   NOW…..we’re ready to camp.   this is the look I was going for – didn’t QUITE hit it – but came closer than anyone else at the campsite – THIS is camping!!!

tents_03

 

Before you make fun….let me just share this.  I have come to the conclusion that even campers do not like to camp!!!     Really!    Two honest to goodness examples……

Tom was training to be a scout leader (years ago) and they scheduled a cold weather campout.   Teaching the kids how to deal with the elements.   Well…..it was cancelled two days before.   WHY?   The forecast called for SNOW!   True story!

This past week my own dear scout who LOVES to camp – was scheduled to go on the wilderness survival campout.   Talked for weeks about trapping his own food (translation – he’s gonna have to live on the 2 granola bars I sneek into his pockets)    about starting his own fires (I got a lighter im putting down his sock)    about identifying safe roots and berries to eat (can you say “fruit snacks” in his sleeping bag?)    he had big plans!!   Well…..it was cancelled two days before.   WHY?   The wilderness survival campout could not be held due to the threat of rain in the forecast.   RAIN!  True story!

See?   don’t let em fool ya – Even campers do not like to camp!

 

 

ice storm 2014

So there really isn’t any way to truly capture how absurd the following event was without a video to accompany it…but I have decided to try anyway.

 

We had an ice storm – CNN used the words catastrophic and crippling to describe conditions – here in Atlanta on Wednesday.   But did that stop tom and I from trying to get to Market to work?   Uh….nope.    here is how the trip from the front door to the van went…..

 

There are 5 steps from our front door down to the sidewalk.   All 5 covered with ice.   Solid ice.   Tom decides to go first to warm up the van.   He slips on the first step  – so to stop his fall – he grabs onto the stair rail – which did no good as it is solid ice.   Somehow he makes it to the sidewalk – ours happens to be slanted downhill from the house to the driveway – so he yells at the top of his lungs for all of us to come look.   The entire family gathers at a window and we all watch tom stand in a position similar to that of a ballerina… and see him slide towards the van.

We all agree it was something much like this photo.

ballerina

Well he rams into the van – I mean reaches his destination… and after a few minutes comes back inside for reinforcements.   So megan and I follow.   I have a center of gravity located very near my rear end and all the grace of an elephant so I am terrified of falling.   No worries!  I grab our container of Morton Salt and follow along.   I am expecting to sprinkle the salt and watch as the ice evaporates into thin air…much like a fancy magic trick.    Well….i have decided that what they sell at home depot must not be the same formula I enjoy on my baked potato.  I knew it was bigger chunks….maybe I needed sea salt?  But this stuff was doing nothing.   In fact, as tom backed down each step chipping away at the ice with my KITCHEN SPATULA, I followed closely tossing little handfuls of salt – which did nothing but blow into his eyes and wreak havoc with his chipping methods.   At almost the same exact moment that I am asking that he be careful with my $50 Pampered Chef KITCHEN SPATULA, I hear a crack as the handle breaks off.   Really?   Not to be deterred, he continues to the SECOND STEP (no we are not making progress quickly) and clears another 2 inch square which I quickly and efficiently sprinkle with salt.   Megan is behind me cracking up and about to fall on me she is laughing so hard.   I am not seeing much humor in the whole situation, but carry on.  What else could I do?

 

So about 4 hours and 32 minutes later (but who’s counting?) we reach the van.  I am out of salt, the KITCHEN SPATULA handle is nowhere to be found, no one feels like being a ballerina anymore, and megan is still laughing like a lunatic.   Tom starts his ever so efficient chipping method with my KITCHEN SPATULA on the windshield and I am starting to think I will never get to Market.  So  I get in the van.  Boom.  Done.   I am ready to go.   The van heat will melt the ice on the windshield.  No more goofing off – let’s get this road on the street.   Well….as I watch tom still chipping, I feel a bit like I should help….but as I have already planted my center of gravity firmly in the van….i do what I can without getting out….i turn on the windshield wipers.  They – of course – are frozen in place and do not move.  So megan takes my KITCHEN SPATULA and vows to “get em loose!”.   Tom sits down in the van and I swear – before he can shut the door – megan does indeed “get em loose” – they swing up and sling ice and snow all over toms head and face and lap.  At this point I join megan in laughing my head off  – what else could I do?

So….although I would like to sell every stick of furniture and every quart of paint I own, I would recommend you wait till things thaw a bit.   BUT….after that happens….i will need every last one of you to shop as I now have to replace all of my salt and…..my KITCHEN SPATULA!!!!

Armoire

armoire close up

Antique Sheet Music Organizer

antique sheet music organizer

Awesome Bar

bar front with light back bar

This

Dresser and Mirror

dresser and mirror linen

Dresser and Mirror painted with Linen!

East Lake Bed and Bench

eastlake bed and bench

Fabulous China Cabinet

fabulous china cabinet

Fabulous china cabinet with great detail!

Four Poster Bed

four poster bed in linen

Four poster bed painted with Linen!

Church Pew Bench

front pew

Great church pew bench.

Full/Queen Headboard

fullqueen linen headboard

Full/Queen headboard painted with Linen.

Curved Front Dresser

gray mist and cotton curved front dresser

Amazing curved front dresser painted with Gray Mist and Cotton.

Hymn Book Recycled

hymn book recycled

Iron Bed

iron bed with painted posts

Iron bed with painted posts.

Kids Table and Chair Set

kids table and chair set

Kids Table

kids table!

Ombre Desk

ombre desk in gray tones

Ombre desk in the gray tones…great piece!

Peacock Feather Dresser

peacock feather dresser

Another wonderful rethunk dresser painted in Peacock Feather.

Robbins Egg Storage Piece

robins egg storage piece with dark glaze

Great storage piece painted with Robins Egg and our Dark Glaze!

Roll-less Roll Top Desk

roll-less roll top desk

Stained Top Dresser in Gray Mist

stained top dresser in gray mist with burlap glaze

Stained top dresser paint with gray mist with burlap glaze.

Vintage Octagon Table

vintage octagon table

Wonderful Dresser

wonderful dresser with barley twist sides cotton and gray mist

Dresser with barley twist sides…painted with cotton and gray mist.

Stained Top Coffee Table

stained top coffee table

Stained Top Dresser

stained top dresser in linen close up on stained top dresser

Great piece of furniture with our amazing stain top product and painted with linen.

Dresser and Standing Mirror

deresser and standing mirror

Dining Set

dining set in cotton

Dining set painted with cotton.

Colorblock Dresser

colorblock dresser

Desk with Stair Tread

desk with stair tread on front

close up of desk

Desk with stair tread on front!

Antique Bedroom Set

antique bedroom set