May 30, 2016. Today I am 50 years old. That seems impossible. This birthday is something I have thought about quite a bit – for some reason 50 seems like …well… an important number. That’s the only rational explanation I can come up with for my lunatic behavior this week. The happy little picture above depicts what i envisioned would occur. but alas….that was not the case…. Our family rented a boat and spent the afternoon on the lake. Let me fill you in on a couple of important facts here before we begin….
- I am not a very good swimmer. A dog paddle that would embarrass a dog is about as good as I get.
- I hate getting my hair wet. Not because I’m ever going to be messing up a great hairdo – but because if my hair is getting wet that means my mouth and nose are both under water which is never good for breathing!
- I HATE any body of water where I cannot see the bottom. I have no idea what is under there – what is swimming around me – I think it’s nuts to get in when I have no clue what or who I’m getting in with!
That being said, I LOVE the lake! The scenery is beautiful! It’s wonderful family together time! We can nap and snack and listen to music and visit – its fabulous! So we rent the 20 foot “party barge” pontoon boat- load up the picnic, the music, and the kids and we are on our way! I am so excited. This is a dream day for me. A treat we don’t splurge on very often! Tom even went above and beyond the call of duty and rented a tube so he could pull the kids and let them go tubing!
Lindsey is first. She plops into that tube – shoves off, and I watch as she smiles like crazy and looks like she’s taking one of those lazy river rides. Next up – Matthew. He jumps in – and spends the entire ride goofing off – changing positions – laying on his stomach like superman. You get the drift. All of my kids took turns – all of them loved it – all of them looked perfectly safe. Two of the girls didn’t really even get their hair wet. So I say – in a moment of insanity. So I say – in a moment when I must have been hallucinating from too much sun. So I say – in a moment when I have decided I was thinking about this 50th birthday and all the things I still want to do….i say “I’ll try it!” three little words. Might as well have been “kill me now”. Let’s just review all the things that went wrong when MOM got in the tube, shall we????
First, getting in is not as easy as one would think. Planting my huge backside in that little hole is pretty dang tricky. Turns out I have to climb down the little ladder on the back of the boat and hold the tube rope between my legs and gracefully jump up into the tube and get my rear over the hole so I just slide right in like everyone else has. Well….problem one? I don’t jump. Problem two? I’m having a hard time focusing on the exact location of the hole since I’m worried about snakes and pirahnas and other lake dwellers nibbling on my feet since I’m in a body of water where I can’t see the bottom. So tom grabs my arm and kind of lowers me into the tube. (picture a crane lowering a thousand pound uncontrollable steel beam down to a construction site). But at last I’m in. hard part over! Now all I gotta do is hold on and let the good times roll!
Uh….no. I watched all my kids….when the boat starts pulling you, at first it leans you way back – almost looks like you’re gonna tip over backwards. Well – heck – I got this! When the boat starts pulling ME…I lean forward. No one told me that was a horrific idea. Apparently my ample bosom was enough to tip me over and I was thrown into the snake infested, pirahnna ridden waters. It was at this point I realized that in my ill placed excitement to be one of the cool kids and try this tubing thing, I had forgotten to don a life jacket. So I am now in the nasty nasty lake – with only the ability to dog paddle – screaming for help – with an upside down tube next to me which might as well be about 2 stories tall since there is nothing to grab onto. I am fighting for my life and my family is on the boat laughing their heads off. In my initial state of terror that ALL of my worst nightmares have been realized…. (I am being forced to swim, my hair is indeed wet and I am in a body of water that I cannot even begin to see the freaking bottom of) I swallow ½ of lake Allatoona as I panic and nearly drown. I feel a little bad about this as the water level will now be lower for those wishing to go boating on Memorial Day. After I dog paddle for what seems like 45 min or so, my family pulls it together and tosses me a life jacket. I make my way to the ladder on the boat and the discussion arises….”does mom want to try again?” NO – mom does not want to try again. Mom should be in bed at home in the air conditioning with a pan of brownies and a fork. Mom should be in a bubble bath with a magazine and a fruit smoothie. Mom should be at the movies with a diet coke as big as the useless tube beside her. But – apparently – being possessed by someone or something is part of turning 50 and I hear my self say – “well – I’m already wet – I might as well try one more time” what the????
So tom once again helps me wedge my rear into the tube, shoves me behind the boat and I hold on like a 50 year old trying to hold onto her youth. Couldn’t have pried my hands off that tube for anything. And suddenly I’m tubing! I’m skimming across the lake in the tube. ABOVE the water – not below – IN the tube – not under – just like normal people. And…..i hate it. Truly hate it. Yes – I can mark it off my bucket list….but who in the world enjoys that????
- I’m bouncing till my teeth crack
- My hands and arms are killing me from holding on so tight
- My boobs are smacking me in the face from all the bouncing
- And I’m pretty sure I got a free enema at some point during the entertaining activity!
Next trip I stay in the boat with the Oreos!