Last week I ran into a special family (friend and her mother and her daughter) that I had not seen in a while, They are awesome,,,,and this friend looked fabulous!!!! She has lost a bunch of weight and looks disgustingly terrific!! . As I spent the next few days hating her and feeling insecure…I mean, being happy for her and grateful that I got to see all three of them ( the mother looks fabulous and young and the daughter is a doll!)…I thought about how hard she had worked to lose the weight and what a talent it is to have that kind of self control,

And then….daggum it…I realized the time for humility is past. I too have talents. I too am a woman of size, I mean value! I am worth something. And I decided it was time to throw caution to the wind and share those talents with the world. ( or at least the three of you that read this blog).

First…I work relatively hard….up, down, on my knees, lifting, moving, long hours, physical labor. So it is indeed a talent that I can keep my weight UP! Most lesser women would trim down in a jiffy….but not me!! I can, almost without any effort on my part at all, keep my hefty size rolling forward!!

Second….I am proud to announce that without any record keeping….any calendars….any strict scheduling, I can tell just by a wee whiff as they pass me, when my precious offspring need a shower! No time consuming or confusing dates to remember….just a sniff with my talented schnoz and I know immediately that it’s been a month since soap has been involved. Along those same lines, I have the uncanny abilty to see when the kitchen needs to be cleaned….when the bathrooms have reached critical point…when the toilet paper is out…when the laundry pile is even with the top of the washer….when the leftovers from 2011 can be tossed from the fridge….talent? You bet! As I am the only one in my family who can see these things I can only assume I have special eyesight and an above average nose,

Third…I can find things. What? What kind of talent is that?? Those of you asking that question are single. Any married woman knows that the ability to locate something is a skill men do not have. My own dear spouse can have his hand on the item in question and still need help finding it.

Fourth…I can do things on my own. Again, I am sure there are those of you asking what kind of dumb talent that is ,,,and again,,,,I have to assume you are the unmarried group. I won’t use toms name here….but lets say we are working together on some deadlines. I am efficiently finishing what is on my list while humming cheerfully and keeping my weight up…as he works on his list. I handle my list on my own. Here’s an example of something on Toms list. “Add pulls laid out for you to the gray dresser in front of you”. Here’s how this is completed,,,,
Honey? Come show me which pulls and which dresser… (Refer to talent number three!!). Honey? Where’s the screw driver? Can you grab it for me? Honey? Can you hand me the screws? Honey? Could you just help me take the drawers out of the dresser? Honey? Can you hold the drawer still while I screw these on? Good grief!!! The talent of doing something on your own is, again, a talent that seems rare among the male species!

Fifth…and last,,,,I have the amazing ability, without ever having met most of you to be incredibly grateful. To appreciate without knowing you that you would read the blog. To value, without a personal relationship, how important you are to any success I may have. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you bless my life and the lives of my family in ways I can never repay! Thank you!!!

So…..we have enjoyed some really warm pretty days ….but then about the time I get all happy about warmer weather we have a cold snap. Yesterday was one of those cold days. Made me think of my wonderful husband…..who happens to be extremely frugal (read: cheap as all get out!). We’re constantly discussing (read: fighting like cats and dogs) the temperature in our home. I would like something above 50 degrees….and he insists that with a simple cardigan (read: 15 layers and a parka) we’d all be extremely comfortable. It is at this point that I remind him of an example that helps most people (read: everyone with a brain) see things my way.

We are living in KY and just have two kids…ages 2 and 4. Talk about a cold snap! We get snow like crazy!! And it’s freezing outside!!! Well the girls want to play in the snow but they have been dealing with little colds and runny noses lately and I’m worried that being outside will only make that worse. (read: I don’t want to go outside and freeze my booty off!). Well close to the end of the day, they have asked so often that we feel bad, (read: we’re sick of hearing them whine) and tom says he has a super idea. So, I bundle up the girls so it seems like they are actually going outside, and take them to the playroom in the basement, and tom comes down a couple minutes later with several cookie sheets full of snow. We spread out a trash bag to keep the rug dry and tell the girls to have fun! They are thrilled and we are genius’! We head upstairs and sit down to relax. About an hour later, I realize I have not seen the girls…..so i go downstairs to check on them. They are perfectly fine. Happy as can be….one HOUR later….as they play INSIDE our home….with the snow that has STILL NOT MELTED!!! To his credit, tom admitted that we might should turn the heat up just a bit!! You think?????

Another quick example….again involving heat in the winter. (As I recall, the Ingalls family on Little House On The Prarie had a heat source in their home…..seems we should be able to get something going in ours!!!). Well….in this particular home the only acceptable way to arrange the bedroom was for the bed to be under the window. Early in our marriage..no money for anything superfluous like a headboard…so at night, we’d watch tv or read leaning back against the window and then snuggle in. One morning, tom woke up in a panic yelling for me to help him. “Something has attacked me in the night Laura!!! I can’t get up….and my head is killing me!” What honey???? “I’m serious Laura….worst headache of my life and I can’t sit up….i think something attacked me during the night!!! it’s like I’m…..oh….um….(he, at this point, realizes what has happened)….er….could you help me just a little here?” As I look over, I see what he has discovered….and all I can do is laugh. Based on the lack of heat in our home….the window behind our bed has frosted on the INSIDE and tom’s head is now frozen to the window….causing a slurpy-head-like headache. Ha! Hahaha! I briefly consider ripping hair out as I jerk him from his scary captor, the cold window….but opt instead for warm water and lots and lots of “I told you so’s….and…you have no one but yourself to blames”. .

Got girls??? I do. Four of them. Which means I got problems people with boys just don’t have. Never will.

One of the biggest problems i have alluded to previously. Those of you with sons will never be standing stark naked in the shower and realize that all your personal grooming products have been removed from your bathroom. On a scale of one to ten that one irritates me about a 7 thousand.

Those of you with sons will most likely never be getting ready to go somewhere and not be able to locate your favorite pieces of jewelry without heading to your kids rooms and shuffling thru all their belongings.

And just this week I had another “issue” that those of you with boys will just never have to deal with. One of my sweet girls was getting ready to go somewhere and after jumping out of the shower, made the ginormous mistake of flitting across the hallway to her room with only a brassier on top. During this millisecond of time, one of my OTHER sweet girls caught what could only have been a blurry glimpse of her sister (based on the speed at which the first daughter raced from bathroom to bedroom) and screamed as if she had been knifed. This is the moment when I should have gotten in the van and driven off….but I had this ludicrous idea that I could help resolve whatever conflict had arisen.

To simplify, since I would be shot and my remains hidden forever if I used names, lets say daughter one …hereafter referred to as D1 is the daughter wearing the bra. Daughter 2… Hereafter referred to as D2 is the one with the excellent eyesight.

So D2 starts squealing that she has been robbed. D1 has taken her one and only real functioning and ever so special bra. D1 yells from behind her bedroom door that she has been wearing said bra for months and it is hers. D2 again claims ownership…and to add insult to injury announces that it could only be worn for months by D1 because…are you ready for this?…. “She does not fill it up!” Ouch! Low blow! Those of you with sons cannot realize the depths we have reached now. D1 swears it is hers and she cannot help it if D2 (who happens to be older than she) is growing at such a slow pace that she has caught up and does indeed wear the same size. I am at a loss for words. I try and smooth things over by announcing that they both have absolutely charming bust sizes (no one saw any humor there but me). I then commented that it was a lovely discovery that they could share! Giving them both a double number of bras to wear….again….not something that brought peace to our home. So as I hear D2 threaten to rip the loose and huge bra off her sisters body….and hear D1 dare her to even try since it was actually such a tight fit that it wouldn’t be possible, I sigh heavily and it is at this point I head to the van….and to Target….for a bundle of new bras.

It’s a new year. Time for resolutions….new starts….do-overs…..making changes. Our family has a few things we re doing right, but then there are those times when we realize we have some serious room for improvement!

For Christmas this year, one of my sisters sent us a game. Awesome gift cause we love games. We spend almost every Sunday evening playing a game together as a family. Santa even brought each of our kids a game. So I’m thinking that’s pretty good, huh? In todays crazy world, to have all five kids, ages 7 to 18 playing games with their parents every week. I must say I’m impressed with me! Haha

Now in explaining the next little bit of dysfunction, I could go off on several different tangents….I will try and focus….

Let me start with a tangent. Ha! What in the WORLD makes my children think that when I bring home groceries they are welcome to eat them???? I will shop and think to myself, “whew! Got that done for January” …only to find that two days later the fridge is empty and the cabinets bare. When did an “after school snack” start including an appetizer and side dishes????? Groceries are crazy expensive and in moments of lunacy I find myself encouraging my children to “drink more soda” cause milk is so stinkin pricey. So anywho….let me tie this tangent in with the original story….

I decide to be mom of the year and get all the fixins for ice cream sundaes last week. Complete with cherries and “spray whip”. Even sprung for two cans of spray whip since my love knows no bounds. Despite the fact that I look like I must have a part time job as a taste tester for Ben and Jerry’s, I must share that I don’t really like ice cream. Oh I prefer it to celery sticks, just not my first choice for a sugar high. So I didn’t even have a sundae. Well then imagine my surprise the NEXT DAY as I open the fridge to get a can a spray whip to adorn the warm chocolate pudding I have just made for my family and it is ALL GONE. Both cans! Warm chocolate pudding loses much of its appeal without the little dollop of cool whip, wouldnt you agree??? Not to be deterred, I put a small scoop of ice cream in the middle of each bowl and serve it to my family as a treat while we play this new game I mentioned about 25 minutes ago. ( Is anyone out there even still reading this??! ) The game is a dice game, and there are tokens you win or lose. My sister sent a bag of skittles along with the game cause she said her family uses those instead of tokens and the winner gets to eat them all. Cute!

Well….we sit down and tom looks at me and says, we really need help honey.
What?
Um….sweetie….I can guarantee we are the only family in the state of Georgia right now that is eating pudding….with ice cream on top…..while we gamble for skittles.

Well……when you say it like THAT…..maybe we do need a little help…..

so…..i’m not saying i’m a genius…..but i’m no dummy either.  i spent several years in college majoring in music after graduating from high school….so i got me some secondary education.  so why, i ask you, does it seem to occur to me almost daily, that my dear offspring might need a little “extra” help??  let me share a couple of examples……

first one….christmas time…..gift giving…..time to wrap presents!  now i will have to share that my very first job was wrapping christmas gifts for shoppers in a big department store at the mall.  in order to secure said job, i had to wrap a gift as the store managers all watched.   and it had to be lovely.  it was!  and i got the job and was, i must say, quite fabulous at it!   so imagine my, um…..shock? as my dear son handed me this gift on christmas day.   wrapped it himself!   three guesses as to what it is……

how many of you guessed that my handsome little man gave me a baked potato for christmas??  i must admit that was my first thought…..but no….despite the tedious attention to detail as he was wrapping…in aluminum foil????….the gift was….sunglasses!  (did ANY of you get that right?)

moving along to just this week and a trip out to dinner with two of my girls.   let me preface THIS one with the following….. my mother has wonderful table manners and a lovely way of making a meal an “event”.  real cloth napkins, no paper plates, beautiful centerpieces, fun and unique serving dishes, and a relaxed way of making you WANT to use your very best manners.  i dont always live up to her standards (can you say paper plates and pizza boxes?) but i try.  so i am thrilled that the manners and loving way of serving eachother has been passed to another generation when one of my daughters (and i told megan i wouldn’t use her name here so that’s why i said “one of my daughers”) offered to fill my diet coke cup at the restaurant.   oh how thoughtful of her!  how loving and selfless!  my mother would be so proud!   and then i walked back to our table and caught a glimpse of my cup sitting on the table…..what the ??????

How long must it have taken to spear my straw with two toothpicks??? And how do I explain to my friends that I got a splinter drinking my diet coke???

And lastly….we are a church going family. At the risk of offending anyone who does not, I will share that we’ve taught our kids that Christian values are something thats important to us. We’ve taught them to be selfless and giving, to reach out to others and work hard and say their prayers. So, again, imagine my pride and gratitude the week I was sick not long ago and tom said he would be taking the family to church on his own. Well, by the time I “adjusted” Emma’s hairdo, and helped my son find a tie that at least had one color in common with the rest of what he was wearing, they were running a wee bit late….but I still felt a sense of joy and love as I watched them drive off to bond and worship together. And then….later that evening, I picked up my iPad. Hmmmmmm…..seems that they decided to spend the meeting time in the foyer…..and with the camera app that cracks them all up. None of them could tell me what the topic of the meeting was…but I must admit that church made them happy that day.

Bottom line? Life is pretty wonderful!!!!! My 13 year old son bought me a Christmas gift and took the time to wrap it. My girls still go out in public with me and spending time together is awesome and fun. And I’m pretty sure everyone should enjoy church time as much as my kids did that particular Sunday. Lets hope 2013 is as fabulous!!!!

So it’s not that I haven’t been working…..it’s just a crazy time of year. I am so behind on posting things on the website it’s nuts. Seems like everything I do this time of year takes ten times longer than I planned or even anticipated! Case in point? Remember the Christmas tree debacle from last year? Here’s a little link to refresh your memory….

http://www.rethunk-junk.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=8045&action=edit

Well somehow….despite my best efforts…that dumb tree survived and was pulled out this year to be the focal point of our holiday decor. (How I missed getting that thing in the recycle bin I will never ever know. I was shocked and a wee bit grief stricken when it reared its ugly branches this year!)

So here it is after about two hours of assembly, whispered epitaphs, and dirty looks that would curl your toes….
I am absolutely enchanted by the striped pattern of light and dark we have going here….

Couple more hours of no joy to the world and nothing even close to a most wonderful time of the year, and we are plunged into quite the silent night as this is what we have now achieved…..

I am grateful for the additional lights illuminating the room, but find myself still unsettled by the white multiprong extension cord snaking up the tree and the 75 foot industrial orange extension cord being used to power said lights. I am also smitten by the incredibly sturdy base on this eleventeen foot high tree.

Another several hours and we finally join hands like all the who’s in whoville and sing fah-hoo-dor-ay praying that no fuse blows (on the tree or dad) until at least December 26th!

This has NOTHING to do with furniture…..but it cracked me up. Saw it on Facebook this week and i laughed and laughed! I cleaned it up a wee bit…but it’s still PG vs G…..so preview before you read aloud at the dinner table. Heehee

(I added my own version at the end of this….so be sure and read my addition…even if this is something you’ve already seen).

Differences Between Man and Women in a Shower

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake privates at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your privates and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Poot and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake privates at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

NOW…..
I would like to add the following….

How to shower like a teenager….
Teenage boys? Never happens so I’d be done now. Haha

Teenage girls?

Get up about an hour before school and approximately 3 minutes before your sisters and RUN to bathroom.

Lock all doors securely.

Turn on shower and crank up hot water. While hot water is running, use the bathroom…flush….and wait for shower to return to correct temperature. When it does, slowly undress…then go to mirror and pluck eyebrows while water continues to run.

Get in shower with all of mothers personal grooming products you stole from her bathroom during the three minutes between waking up and dashing to the shower.

Wash hair and then condition with 1/3 bottle each of mothers “splurge” products that she saved $$ forever to try. When bottle slips out of hands, do not pick it up and giggle a little when you see lid crack or break off entirely.

Shave legs and pits using mothers new razor and 1/2 can of her shaving cream. When razor drops to shower floor do not pick up or reassemble as razor heads falls off handle.

Use three washcloths…one for body…one for face…and one just to add to laundry pile.

Wash TEENAGE face with mothers million dollar anti aging cleanser.

Stand in shower as you hear banging and screaming on other side of bathroom door from sisters desperate to enter and begin their morning routine.

Continue to enjoy the spa like feel of the shower head until the water starts getting cold. Turn it off and get out.

Step onto mothers favorite fluffy towel she purchased in a color that coordinates with only her bedroom to keep it separate since this is your favorite choice for bath mat.

Dry off with three towels…one for body…one for hair….and one just to add to laundry pile. Throw all three towels BESIDE laundry hamper.

As banging on door continues, slowly apply mothers 7 million dollar anti aging night cream to entire surface of youthful non wrinkled arms and legs.

Smile with satisfaction as banging on door is accompanied by whining and pleading of sisters who will have no warm shower or even time for a cold one.

Finish dressing and leave bathroom only when threatened within inch of life by mother.

so i love to eat.    any of you who have met me are not at all shocked by this disclosure!   =D  two of my favorite quotes on this subject?   “i AM in shape….round is a shape isn’t it????”   and   “if you are what you eat….i gotta eat a skinny person!”   ha!   alas.   i am well aware as i look in the mirror each morning that i do, indeed, quite possibly, maybe, perhaps, kinda, conceivably enjoy eating just a little too much….   combine that with the fact that regular exercise is NOT on my list of things i love right now, and well….it’s not the best combo. in fact….let me veer off topic for a second here to share a little ditty about that lack of exercise part.   i realized how bad things had gotten a couple of years ago….(no – i have not done anything about it yet – perhaps 2013 is the year?)  anyway….we lived in a subdivision near the swimming pool – close enough to walk.   so one day megan and emma (who was then about 5 years old) and i decided to go swimming together one afternon and we started the short walk to the pool.   realizing we had forgotten our towels i volunteered to grab them…just asked them to wait for me at the 1/2 way point.  so i walk back to get the towels and as i head back towards them, megan yells “hurry up mom!  let’s go”  so i jog on down the hill to meet them.  as i trot towards them i see this look of complete and utter shock on emma’s face and hear her say, “Megan!  Mom can RUN!!  did you know mom could RUN????”   megan is on the ground laughing.   and i am swearing that - since i just scampered a total of 30 feet and am completely out of breath and needing oxygen – as soon as i regain my equalibrium i will beat emma to a pulp.  and then i realize - much to my chagrin – that she is serious.   she’s all happy and excited for me and spends the next 30 feet to the pool telling me how good i did and how very fast i was.   of course all i could think of what how long before i could slip into a pool chair with some dove chocolates – bah haha.   anywho….. i plan to do better….i really do…..but not now.   not during the holidays!  that would be disaster!  eating, snacking, and sharing those goodies is what the holidays are all about!  (i realize there is also the part about mary and joseph and baby Jesus….. but i’ve already talked about that….) so…..here’s my plan……  this weekend is the indoor/outdoor show at woodstock market – they have all the cool extra vendors there and i spend time there too during that weekend.  soooooo….come see me – come purchase something….and bring me a copy of your favorite recipe for the holidays….(remembering that i dont’ drink and i don’t care for raw onions and i swear the Powers that Be were having an off moment when they created green peppers!)….other than that i’m good to go…..so bring me a copy of your favorite recipe….and get 10 percent off your purchase!!!  great trade, right????  i give you 10 percent off in exchange for a wonderful recipe which will probly help add another 10 pounds to my lovely physique!  ha!