I have a trip coming up at the end of August. It is not a family vacation type trip – it is a business trip. There are several issues I have with this trip…..
1. Who the heck will be painting while I am gone?
2. How will things run smoothly at home and at work without my guidance and influence?
3. Will my sweet children even be able to function without my ever reassuring presence?
And most importantly……
4. WHAT IN THE WORLD WILL I WEAR????
So in an attempt to remedy the important thing on that list….I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes. Wow. What an experience. Yes….it has been some time since I have been to the mall (unless you count the food court – haha)….my usual wardrobe consists of a black t-shirt and a black pair of pants….covered with paint….serves me well….and I can grab a replacement t-shirt or pair of pants at Target (capitalized out of respect and love) anytime I am there doing my other shopping. REAL clothes have not been on the agenda for a while. But I figure I can’t go to Utah looking homeless….so off to the mall.
FIRST….let me say that I know I am overweight. I know – because I own a full length mirror – that there are some things that should NEVER EVER be made in my size. EVER! But I also know….that just because I enjoy the occasional pound of M&M’s doesn’t mean I have lost all touch with reality. Doesn’t mean that all clothes in my size have to be the shape of a Hefty trash bag with a pattern so wild and distracting that you can’t even look directly at me! I see things in the “other” sections of the mall that I know good and well would look FABULOUS blown up to my size. WHY doesn’t any one else see this???? So I have to wade thru all the insane prints – crazy shapes and silhouettes – to find something neutral and understated to wear.
Luckily I took reinforcements….a friend went with me. It was a smart decision – I could judge how far off track I was by her laughter – her inability to speak – or her race to the floor to bring back something ELSE for me to try.
So I’m all over the black pants I find at the first stop – way in my comfort zone – it’s like work clothes without the work on them. =D I can even handle the black shirt we found. Then we start entering some scary territory….
First she starts holding up COLOR. WHAT THE? Has anyone ever mentioned orange being slimming?? No! Has anyone ever truly blended into the background (like I want to do) in CHARTRUSE??? No! After I firmly establish the color issue…..she boldly jumps into PATTERNS!!! Is she insane????? Actually has the gall to hold up a shirt with an entire village printed on the front of it. Yes…”it takes a village”….but not splashed across my boobs!!! Animals cavorting across my ample bosom? I think not!
Once I get her to focus on neutrals and solids, the only things really left to focus on are fabric and fit. I think I’m safe and what does she do?? She heads for JEANS! Let me just say I have not tried to pour my sad booty into a pair of blue jeans since….well…since it was ok to call them blue jeans! But as she pointed out….”if you get the dark ones, that’s almost all you’ll ever need! You can dress them up or down! “ Right! Apparently if I toss on a t-shirt with them I can hang out in the seediest parts of Atlanta and fit right in….BUT….add some earrings and just the right pumps and I’m ready for a night at Carnegie hall! So – like a dork – I take a pair of jeans to the dressing room.
For those of you who – like me – have not sported denim during this decade….I would like to offer a few suggestions….
1. shave. Yep…. Shave. 6 months of leg hair can – in fact – create quite a drag when trying to shimmy into a pair of jeans. Who knew?
2. FYI….skinny jeans do NOT make you look skinny….the deal is you already have to be a size 3
3. “jeggings” – a member of the jean family, are one of those things that should not be manufactured past a certain size!
4. Although comfortable – and I must say it appealed to me – apparently an elastic waist is not something good.
5. My last tip? Find a dressing room without a mirror! I could not find one – but had no trouble covering the entire mirror in my dressing room with one of the pairs of jeans I took back to try on!
I left the store after purchasing a very classy dark pair of boot cut jeans – which according to my friend – will indeed change my life! I was also roped into purchasing a pair of “trousers”. Not pants – not jeans – not khakis – “trousers”! These I will be wearing topless as I have no shirts to pair with them. The bright side is I imagine we will appeal to a whole new customer base! Those either running a brothel, selling weight loss medications or performing breast reduction procedures!!!
I’m going to have to admit that my shopping friend dresses really well herself – was INCREDIBLY patient with my freakish needs and issues – and oddly enough – no one in my family became physically ill when I got home and tried things on for them.
I’m really hoping for that same luck when I get to Utah!!!!!