so in Part One of this post, we covered the fact that our van had some issues with the key…..after serious and ever so effective communication with my dear other half, i spent 11 months licking my van key so it would go in the ignition and then – when that no longer worked – i was instructed by my beloved spouse to just never remove the key from the ignition – so i spent every day carrying around any and all valuables since the van could not be locked. i looked like some kind of homeless pack rat. finally – since the “communication” was less that stellar – the Lord intervened….heard and answered my prayers… and the whole ignition thing bit the dust and had to be replaced. (for more details feel free to read “communication part one” if you have no life and nothing else to do!) haha
so here i am – rejoicing that the ignition column has to be totally replaced in my van thrilled that we will be heading to the repair shop and getting this issue under control!
so….in an attempt to “communicate” with my spouse, i ask what day he would like my assistance getting the van to the shop. i will – i promise reverently – drop any and every thing i am doing to help! well…..he informs me he will “keep me posted”. ok. super. how can that be anything but lovely news??? well….as luck would have it – “keep me posted” ACTUALLY means….”i never have any intention of taking the van to a reputable repair shop as i feel quite certain i can fix this myself because i am a man and all men are capable of auto mechanic repair work as it is part of our DNA makeup.” so….he does indeed attempt this repair job himself. i find myself shocked, overjoyed, and a wee bit apprehensive as i jump in the van on the day after the repair job. i place the newly acquired key in the ignition…trembling with excitement….and it goes in smoothly!!! as my anticipation builds to an almost feverish pitch, i turn this new key….and viola! the van starts! i am amazed and thrilled! i am a normal woman! well – ok – that’s stretching things a bit….but seriously!!! you have no clue how fabulous it was! those of you who have never had to lick your vehicle keys will never know the blessing of just starting your car! so i decide this happy little occasion calls for a celebration! my party of choice? a trip to walmart! (my life is one thrill ride after another – don’t even TRY to keep up!) so i get to walmart – and like every other shopper…i jump out with key in hand – and lock my van! how freeing!!!! no need to gather everything in it and carry it with me for security purposes – it’s just me and my key bopping into walmart (oh – and tom’s credit card – heehee) so i finish my shopping and head back to my dream van (the ability to start it like a normal person makes all the dents and lack of a radio and blah blah blah MUCH less noticeable!) i stick my key in the van to unlock it…. and turn it…..and…..what on earth??????
the alarm (now why on earth does THAT still work???) starts going off! those things are LOUD! and no one ever runs over to help you – or offers to call the police – all they do is look at you like “how annoying! could you get that thing turned off cause its REALLY irritating!” so i notice – gratefully – that my window is down just enough for me to wedge my heifer sized arm in and unlock the door. whew! er….well…no. that did not help. alarm is still blaring and people are still looking at me like I’m a dork. id love to be able to inform them all that i MARRIED a dork – THAT’S the problem – but i am busy trying to get the alarm to shut off as quickly as humanly possible! so…..
in an attempt to “communicate” with my spouse – i call him and yell as loud as i can to be heard over the blare of the alarm that the alarm is going off and i can’t stop it. he of course can’t hear me cause the alarm is going off and i can’t stop it. he actually has the GALL to say to me – “honey – turn off the car alarm so i can hear you”. REALLY???? REALLY????? i swear there are seriously times when i feel quite certain a jury made up of other women….anywho…
i scream kindly that i cannot turn off the alarm – which incidentally happens to be the very reason for the call…and THAT’S when he tells me. THAT’S when he chooses to share the details of the repair job. here’s what i get, as i stand in the parking lot of walmart, with my alarm going off at 12 thousand decibels and a major migraine coming on….
oh….sweetie….you didn’t take the key out did you?
well flippitydodah YES Tom! i did indeed take the key out! that was the whole point of the repair process was it not?????
no – it was not laura – the repair was so you didn’t have to lick the key. and you CAN take the key out – but you shouldn’t have locked it.
WHY… in the name of all that is right and good… NOT sweetie?
well….they key in the ignition does not actually work in the door. i had to sorta do my own thing with the repair job. the key that works the door is taped under the dashboard – but won’t work in the ignition. it’s there incase we ever need to lock the van but it won’t start the van – the key you have in your hand will start the van but doesn’t actually work correctly in the door. in fact, to be precise – the whole other ignition happens to be duct taped to the underside of the steering column because i had to have it there so the sensor would allow…..
WHAT? i interrupt….WHAT?? WHAT????? if i were a cussing woman this would be the time. the original faulty ignition is taped under my van so that….so that the key can be near the sensor and – WHY DO WE DO THINGS THIS WAY???? and he didn’t SHARE this little nugget with me earlier????
deep cleansing breath….
so….i say to him more calmly than he deserves….dear special special spouse of mine….how should i handle this situation with the alarm? as i cannot get to the correct key to stop it? because my heifer sized arm will not reach all the way down under the steering column…
well….you could cut the cord going to the alarm.
oh! brilliant! let me just whip out my bolt cutters – pop the hood of the van – and cut the exact cord running to the alarm real quick. sorry to have bothered you ! should have thought of that LONG ago!
that was not said aloud….what i opted for instead was a long withering cold silence on my end of the phone….which my other half picked up on REAL quick.
guess that’s not a very viable option, is it sweetie?
um no tom …..it’s really not.
well….then come on back to Market (Woodstock Market – where our home base is – if you haven’t checked it out yet what’s wrong with you? hahaha) and i’ll fix it for you.
perfect! love of my life. are you asking me to drive from here to there WHILE THE ALARM CONTINUES TO BLARE??????
well….yes laura – you messed things up with the keys
WHAT???? hold it right there buddy!!! i am completely done with the “in an attempt to communicate with my spouse” garbage. this is lunacy! i messed things up with the keys????????? i will be there in a moment – you will hear me LONG before you see me – and i’m NOT referring to the alarm! be thinking up your apology – and it needs to include cash, jewelry, and slave type service!!
so yes….i do indeed get in my van – alarm blasting – and drive – alarm blasting – down bells ferry and 92 – alarm blasting – till i get back to Market – alarm blasting. i especially enjoyed the stop lights. just try – if you will – to envision looking cheerful – innocent – and a bit confused even – as you sit at the light and YOUR VEHICLE is the one creating all the noise pollution. do you look straight ahead? smile and apologize? cry a little? look around like it’s someone else’s car? had i the time and a pen i would have scribbled a sign announcing “i married a dork – nuff said!” and i feel certain most people would have had compassion….but there was no time for that.
i rolled into Market – and shortly thereafter the cord to the alarm was indeed disabled. and let me just say that it is only my deep irrational love for my spouse, my incredible self control, and my immensely righteous nature that kept me from disabling something else! =D
oh – the joys of communication!!!…….