So there really isn’t any way to truly capture how absurd the following event was without a video to accompany it…but I have decided to try anyway.
We had an ice storm – CNN used the words catastrophic and crippling to describe conditions – here in Atlanta on Wednesday. But did that stop tom and I from trying to get to Market to work? Uh….nope. here is how the trip from the front door to the van went…..
There are 5 steps from our front door down to the sidewalk. All 5 covered with ice. Solid ice. Tom decides to go first to warm up the van. He slips on the first step – so to stop his fall – he grabs onto the stair rail – which did no good as it is solid ice. Somehow he makes it to the sidewalk – ours happens to be slanted downhill from the house to the driveway – so he yells at the top of his lungs for all of us to come look. The entire family gathers at a window and we all watch tom stand in a position similar to that of a ballerina… and see him slide towards the van.
We all agree it was something much like this photo.
Well he rams into the van – I mean reaches his destination… and after a few minutes comes back inside for reinforcements. So megan and I follow. I have a center of gravity located very near my rear end and all the grace of an elephant so I am terrified of falling. No worries! I grab our container of Morton Salt and follow along. I am expecting to sprinkle the salt and watch as the ice evaporates into thin air…much like a fancy magic trick. Well….i have decided that what they sell at home depot must not be the same formula I enjoy on my baked potato. I knew it was bigger chunks….maybe I needed sea salt? But this stuff was doing nothing. In fact, as tom backed down each step chipping away at the ice with my KITCHEN SPATULA, I followed closely tossing little handfuls of salt – which did nothing but blow into his eyes and wreak havoc with his chipping methods. At almost the same exact moment that I am asking that he be careful with my $50 Pampered Chef KITCHEN SPATULA, I hear a crack as the handle breaks off. Really? Not to be deterred, he continues to the SECOND STEP (no we are not making progress quickly) and clears another 2 inch square which I quickly and efficiently sprinkle with salt. Megan is behind me cracking up and about to fall on me she is laughing so hard. I am not seeing much humor in the whole situation, but carry on. What else could I do?
So about 4 hours and 32 minutes later (but who’s counting?) we reach the van. I am out of salt, the KITCHEN SPATULA handle is nowhere to be found, no one feels like being a ballerina anymore, and megan is still laughing like a lunatic. Tom starts his ever so efficient chipping method with my KITCHEN SPATULA on the windshield and I am starting to think I will never get to Market. So I get in the van. Boom. Done. I am ready to go. The van heat will melt the ice on the windshield. No more goofing off – let’s get this road on the street. Well….as I watch tom still chipping, I feel a bit like I should help….but as I have already planted my center of gravity firmly in the van….i do what I can without getting out….i turn on the windshield wipers. They – of course – are frozen in place and do not move. So megan takes my KITCHEN SPATULA and vows to “get em loose!”. Tom sits down in the van and I swear – before he can shut the door – megan does indeed “get em loose” – they swing up and sling ice and snow all over toms head and face and lap. At this point I join megan in laughing my head off – what else could I do?
So….although I would like to sell every stick of furniture and every quart of paint I own, I would recommend you wait till things thaw a bit. BUT….after that happens….i will need every last one of you to shop as I now have to replace all of my salt and…..my KITCHEN SPATULA!!!!